"How To Play With Kids In Your Life Over Video Chat," by Susie Armitage

Here is a game you can play with a kid in your life over a video call: 

Say, “Hey, I have a question for you.” Ask them: would you rather drink apple juice or grape juice? 

Let’s say they go with “apple juice.”

Now ask them if they would rather drink apple juice or banana juice. Apple juice or zucchini juice? Apple juice or beet juice? Apple juice or potato juice? POTATO JUICE? they say. WHY NOT? you say. YOU CAN JUICE A POTATO, CAN’T YOU? EW, they say. APPLE JUICE. 

Now ask them if they would rather drink potato juice or a gasoline milkshake. UM, AUNT SUSIE, GASOLINE IS KIND OF POISONOUS, they say. OK, fine: potato juice or a laundry detergent milkshake? UM, THAT IS ALSO POISONOUS. Fine. Potato juice or a toilet paper milkshake? Potato juice or milk with blue food coloring in it? Potato juice or grass juice? Potato juice or dirt juice? DOESN’T POTATO JUICE TASTE LIKE DIRT ANYWAY? they say. ONLY ONE WAY TO FIND OUT, you say. Anyway, potato juice or egg juice? 

Potato juice or beer juice? Potato wine or beer juice? Potato juice or beer wine? 

Keep going and let them think of their own weird, disgusting and poisonous juices. My nieces, who are 7 and 11, think potatoes are hilarious, but you can also try it with onions or celery or whatever vegetables you think are funniest. The point is to slowly ramp up to the most troubling beverage options, kind of like Liam Kyle Sullivan’s early YouTube sketch, “Muffins.”

When the game has exhausted itself, log off and drink your potato juice. 

Susie Armitage

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